In this semester’s elective on Marriage Counseling, we’re reading about the concept of differentiation. Basically, you have to have a “self” before you can give yourself away in love.
Our culture likes to imagine that intimacy means two people become one person. In practice, this tends to result in see-saw relationships: there’s only enough reality to go around for one of us to be real at any moment. I borrow my sense of self from you, and while I’m borrowing it from you, you have handed it over to me.
What if instead of the see-saw model of intimacy, we had two complete persons relating to each other. But I grow closer to you by “holding on” to myself, not betraying myself in order to feel validated by an external source. Do I “love” you in order to possess you?
If I am to give myself away, I first need to have a “self” to give away. As long as I hand over my integrity for the sake of safety or validation, I have and know myself less and less. If I have myself first, then I can give myself away, and the more I give, the more I have.
Our culture likes to imagine that intimacy means two people become one person. In practice, this tends to result in see-saw relationships: there’s only enough reality to go around for one of us to be real at any moment. I borrow my sense of self from you, and while I’m borrowing it from you, you have handed it over to me.
What if instead of the see-saw model of intimacy, we had two complete persons relating to each other. But I grow closer to you by “holding on” to myself, not betraying myself in order to feel validated by an external source. Do I “love” you in order to possess you?
If I am to give myself away, I first need to have a “self” to give away. As long as I hand over my integrity for the sake of safety or validation, I have and know myself less and less. If I have myself first, then I can give myself away, and the more I give, the more I have.
